Well, we did it!!

We actually set up Isabel's wardrobe!! Last summer we painted it white, replaced the drawer pulls and then it became a receptacle for Isabel's things. Well, today we took everything out of it , waxed the runners, put the rose drawer paper in all of the drawers and put everything back in an organized manner. I just felt like today was the day to take that next step and start preparing Isabel's space for her arrival.

It was a very interesting exercise because I found that I hadn't taken anything out of any of the packages that they came in!! All of the clothes had tags and so did all of the toys if they weren't still in packages. I realized today the reason for this - I was keeping everything "new" so that when our adoption didn't go through, I can give these items to people who "deserve" children. Even as I made her quilt, I had that thought in the back of my mind, that I might be giving this away too!! It is very difficult not to feel like a failure when one of your closest friends now has four children and started the process for her second the same time you started trying for your first.

So yep, that's right, I felt for a very long time that we weren't' having any luck having a child because we didn't "choose" the right path and therefore "deserve" to have a family - that was also my feeling about this wait for Isabel as it has extended to projections of 20 months. I was brought up to believe that whatever happens to me in life is my own doing and that the choices I make will determine the path that my life goes down. Therefore, if bad things happen or if good things happen, it is all of my own making. Sound a little bit like the "Secret" to anyone? Right, well I used all of the white light and positive energy I knew how to use during our brief interlude into the fertility world but nothing happened. You may say that Isabel was always meant to be our daughter and that is the reason why we are going down this path which is probably true, however after many a failure as well as this wait extending exactly when we became DTC, it is hard to shake that feeling of impending disappointment when you have already been through difficult times.

Well, for some reason (maybe my dreams) I have switched my thinking (without really trying ) to the idea that we do deserve a family. Shawn has felt this way for some time but as he is a patient man, he waited for me to come to this conclusion on my own. So today we took all of the tags off of the clothes and toys; we took all of the toys and other items out of the packages and set up Isabel's wardrobe. Granted, we do not have very many things but because I participated in a sock and a hair accessory swap as well as my amazing Secret Pal swaps, Isabel has some very nice things already!!

I said to Shawn as we were unpacking all of these items that it was time to feel the happiness of expecting our child and express it to others. I am tired of people making well meaning comments about how long we have waited, what great parents we would make if "only" China would give us a child of our own and the worst comments of all which are those "we are so sorry for you" ones. Yikes. Just because my belly isn't growing and I can't give people a "due date", doesn't mean that we aren't in the process of expecting our daughter. I am formulating a response that will reflect this change in my attitude - oops, have to run my darling husband has just run me a bubble bath!!!!

I have always loved these...

"When your friends think smile, they think of you. There is not a day that goes by that you can't find something good about the world and your fellow humans."

I am a Sunflower What Flower Are You?

Ah, that is so sweet!!!

Our Secret Pal Strikes Again!!!!!

Well, she has done it again!! As you can see from the photo there are lots of lovely goodies with ladybugs and pandas - our March theme. Although I am not really "into" the ladybug thing, I do appreciate the original story and the idea of "signs". Shawn loves the bean cakes and I adore the bib, hair bow, panda softsoap and little panda toy!! The outfit is PERFECT and so CUTE!! The travelling kits with eye mask's, earplugs, hand wipes and hand cream are so neat and the cards are lovely.

I think though the most precious gift is the charm bracelet. It has a guardian angel over a crib, a mother heart charm, a daughter heart charm, a "China" charm, ladybug charms, little glass charms with pandas inside (too sweet!!), Cloisonne butterfly charms and beautiful beads. I hope that you can see its beauty in the photo. It took me a little while to write this because I was speechless and had a little tear roll down my cheek. I have to say that it was a tear of happiness as I thought of how you really think that I will be a mother with a daughter someday!! I can't wait to show Isabel this beautiful gift from a friend who was waiting for her little girl too!!!

Thank you, you are a wonderfully generous person who always brings laughter and joy into our home with your sweet gifts for all of us!!

Happy Birthday to the Divine Miss Em and Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!

Happy St. Pat's!! I was going to put a few jokes that my Dad told me in this post but all you have to do is visit Kathy and Joel's blog and you can read them all there!! My Dad is of Irish descent and he tells these jokes with a crazy Irish accent. Too funny!!!
I also want to say Happy Birthday to my favorite Leprechaun, Emma!!! Our one and only niece is 5 today and was receiving calls this morning!! She is just a hoot - my sister Kate and her husband David gave the Divine Miss Em makeup and she is THRILLED!! We gave her a gift card that is in the shape of makeup and comes in a little cardboard "purse". Emma's Uncle Shawn LOVES to buy Emma purses. The cutest one was a little pink poodle that she keeps all of her things in when she goes shopping!! We also sent a "March" china tea cup because she likes to have tea parties and a makeup bag with handcream, bath gel and a few other items. She is such a GIRL just like her Auntie was and is. My sister was not, she was such a tomboy and hated to wear dresses. Emma also looks alot like I did, with big blue eyes and curly blond hair that "has" to be done in different styles. When I was little, my Mom had to do my hair in a different style everyday - not her choice but mine!! When Mom cut my hair short, I used to wear a towel around my head and pretend that I still had long hair. As soon as I had control of my own hair length, it was long and still is past my shoulders. It is a dark blond now that I have decided not to colour it until I have to, but I hope that it just goes white like my Dad's hair is going!! So, Happy Birthday to our favorite niece and I can't wait for Emma to meet her cousin Isabel. I hope that they will be friends forever as neither of them is likely to ever have a beautiful and wonderful sister like I do!!!!!

Dreaming!!

I have been reading about people's stories where they have connections with their children before referrals etc. I have dreams that are sometimes dejavu, like the time I dreamt about two friends of mine who didn't know each other. They were hanging out and they seemed to be the best of friends in my dream. It was a strange dream because at the time, V had moved to Scotland and we didn't think that she was ever coming back but about a year later after they had been introduced, they hung out ALL the time!!! So, when I am reading these stories about women who have a dream about their child on the day she was born and other connections, I thought that I might start dreaming about Isabel. Well, I hadn't until last night!!! Last night I dreamt of Isabel!! I dreamt that I was holding her and taking her around town. I could see her face and her beautiful dark hair. Shawn was there and the dream felt like incredible love - the kind that you never want to wake up from. We knew our beautiful daughter!!!! I woke up in the night and told Shawn that I had had an amazing dream about Isabel, then went back to sleep.
When I went to work, I was telling Shirley my co-worker about my dream - it was so incredible that even though I went back to sleep, I can still see parts of it and feel the feeling. She said that she had trouble sleeping last night and when she does, she thinks of nice things. Every time there are referrals, Shirley and I ogle over the new babies and she had one particular baby that she just fell in love with this round so she was thinking of this baby in connection with me. That was her nice thought and she had it at the same time (we think), as I was dreaming of Isabel!! Amazing. Shirley is also, one of the only people that I will ever trust to take care of our girl - I have never met a more wonderful child centred, caring woman who has incredible relationships with both of her daughters, her granddaughters and her daughter-in-law. She will definitely be a part of Isabel's life.
So, I had to record this event. I can't remember Isabel's face now but I remember how I felt when I held her and I know that, that feeling will hold me for the next few months of the wait!!!
PS: I had a very difficult time writing this post - the descriptions of these events just don't seem to measure up but I had to record my dream and its connection to Shirley for Isabel.

This is WHY!!!!

I don't have a UTUBE account so I will share this link to a wonderful video called "My Name is Life" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z3ukXXQvpEA that I found on Liam and Sherry's blog . It is about Korean adoption but I think that it is a beautiful statement about all adoptions. You may need a tissue!!

These past few days, after the referral news, were a little difficult because the wait just seems to be extending on forever. As well, one of our Victoria families has an LID of Oct. 25th and we really feel for Debbie and Chris right now but at least we know they will be next!! So, this video really hit home today and put things into perspective. Have a look!!!!!
In other good news, our fellow March LIDers are FINALLY out of review - Yipee!!!

Isabel, your first quilt is ready!!!!

I bought this quilt pattern six years ago, with the intention of making it for our niece Emma (who turns five this month!!) or if we were to have a girl, our own daughter. It has taken me all this time to finish it. I actually got serious last summer and started working on it every weekend but alas, I put it aside when the busy fall/Christmas season started. It has been in the living room, in my sewing basket for the last 10 months and I pick it up here and there to work on the quilting. Every time I do I think about Isabel when I stitch. Well, I decided yesterday for no real reason other than it was rainy and cold, to finish it!! This afternoon, I put the edging on and it is finally ready for Isabel. I am deciding if she will use it as a quilt (the ruffles seem a little scratchy to me) or if I will use it as a decoration on Isabel's wall in her room.

An interesting thing happened yesterday too. I thought that I had completed all the hand sewing when I realized that the angel's heart had not been sewn yet. So I sewed the little heart and sent all my good wishes to my daughter as I did this. I only hope that she heard how much we love her and how we wish that she was here with us now so that we could be the ones giving her all the love and snuggles she needs as a tiny person. So, Isabel, your first quilt is ready and Mama is getting ready to start on your 100 wishes one!!! We are still waiting for a few squares (Dad, Wayne and Colleen!!) but I am going to have a go at pinning squares today!!!!!