It was a very interesting exercise because I found that I hadn't taken anything out of any of the packages that they came in!! All of the clothes had tags and so did all of the toys if they weren't still in packages. I realized today the reason for this - I was keeping everything "new" so that when our adoption didn't go through, I can give these items to people who "deserve" children. Even as I made her quilt, I had that thought in the back of my mind, that I might be giving this away too!! It is very difficult not to feel like a failure when one of your closest friends now has four children and started the process for her second the same time you started trying for your first.
So yep, that's right, I felt for a very long time that we weren't' having any luck having a child because we didn't "choose" the right path and therefore "deserve" to have a family - that was also my feeling about this wait for Isabel as it has extended to projections of 20 months. I was brought up to believe that whatever happens to me in life is my own doing and that the choices I make will determine the path that my life goes down. Therefore, if bad things happen or if good things happen, it is all of my own making. Sound a little bit like the "Secret" to anyone? Right, well I used all of the white light and positive energy I knew how to use during our brief interlude into the fertility world but nothing happened. You may say that Isabel was always meant to be our daughter and that is the reason why we are going down this path which is probably true, however after many a failure as well as this wait extending exactly when we became DTC, it is hard to shake that feeling of impending disappointment when you have already been through difficult times.
Well, for some reason (maybe my dreams) I have switched my thinking (without really trying ) to the idea that we do deserve a family. Shawn has felt this way for some time but as he is a patient man, he waited for me to come to this conclusion on my own. So today we took all of the tags off of the clothes and toys; we took all of the toys and other items out of the packages and set up Isabel's wardrobe. Granted, we do not have very many things but because I participated in a sock and a hair accessory swap as well as my amazing Secret Pal swaps, Isabel has some very nice things already!!
I said to Shawn as we were unpacking all of these items that it was time to feel the happiness of expecting our child and express it to others. I am tired of people making well meaning comments about how long we have waited, what great parents we would make if "only" China would give us a child of our own and the worst comments of all which are those "we are so sorry for you" ones. Yikes. Just because my belly isn't growing and I can't give people a "due date", doesn't mean that we aren't in the process of expecting our daughter. I am formulating a response that will reflect this change in my attitude - oops, have to run my darling husband has just run me a bubble bath!!!!
17 comments:
What a huge step for the both of you. It takes such courage to really and truly believe that this is going to happen for so many of us and I have to say that reading this post made me feel a little less alone.
I think the whole "failure" idea rings so true in my own heart and the doubts loom regardless of how positive I try to be. I imagine that 7 years of infertility may have something to do with it.
The wardrobe looks fantastic and I'm so happy that you were able to take this step.
Happy Sunday, my friend!
What a beautiful wardrobe.
The attitude rocks...it makes life so much more pleasant. Plus, it can only be helped by having hubs draw you a bubble bath! Very nice :0)
Wow Kristine! You've just hit my feelings on the head. I too am tired of the comments, the lack of belief that this will ever happen. I'm tired of the whole thing actually. Thank you for writing this, because now I know that my feelings are not just mine.
The wardrobe is beautiful!
Thank you again for posting this.
I am so glad that you are allowing your heart to open and stepping into your mother role. You definitely deserve a family! Was that a 'brown eyed girl' t-shirt I saw in wardrobe? I love those. Thanks for sharing your blog influences on my blog. You have a wonderful blog name. It's perfect.
I think it's natural for those of us that have waited so long for a family to believe that we will actually have one someday. I still have a hard time believing that it will actually happen, especially because of the long wait we're projected too.
First off the wait extending when you became DTC really isn't your fault....it is ours! As soon as we signed the contract with our agency up went the expected wait, and that was back in october '05 :)
The wardrobe is beautiful! It will be filled with lots of cute things for your daughter!
maryellen
That is a big step. You deserve to be parents. The path in life is never clear but step by step we head out and learn as we go. We learn to accept the padt and look forward to the future even if it is unknown.
Your Isabel is coming. You will be a family. That is the path you are on.
And I hope you share your response because "No, still waiting" is getting OLD!
Keep smilin!
Of course you deserve a baby of your own. I struggled with feeling very 'denied'. But I wasn't going to have any of it. I was going to be a mother and that was it!
I did some very enlightening past life regression recently that totally opened my eyes to why I'm infertile this lifetime. It was very amazing and multilayered.
You are a mother already, never doubt it.
Love the new wardrobe!!! It's beautiful!! You sound just like me with leaving the tags on all the clothes. Good thing I did because once I got Channing's referral NOTHING I previously bought (which was LOTS) will fit her!!
But your feelings are pretty much the same as I'm feeling...it will happen and you do deserve a family!! Isabel will come and keep your chin up!!!
~~HUGS~~
That wardrobe is spectacular!
I also love your attitude. You deserve to be a mommy and Isabel deserves her mommy. This certainly hasn't been an easy path but the end result will be well worth it and I wouldn't have it any other way. I'd like to know what your new response will be cuz I am so sick of saying, "still waiting."
Much of what you wrote, I myself have said many times.
I think the infertility journey forever stays with us, no matter what new direction we take.
I do believe the new positive attitude will help you during this wait and keep Isabel 'alive' in you.
You do deserve this......and soon she will be here......
yes, I suspect many of us have gone through many of those thought processes, whether it be not wanting to jinx it, not quite believing it will ever happen, or wondering if it's something we've done to our karma somehow... I am still a little scared to open myself up to hope some days, despite the many wonderful things I've learned through all of this. Thanks for reminding me to think positively.
I just referred to the fact that I was "paper pregnant" as part of our journey to our daughter to remind people that this was a valid and joyful way to become a parent. And the wardrobe is just beautiful.
Good for you, we dwell way too much on the "what if's " of life which rob us of our joy and anticipation. We may not have a belly to put our hands on put we have a nursery and that is very tangible. I love the wardrobe!
Looks wonderful!! Here's to a speed up so we can get our babies!
Dawn Shelton
LID 3-13-06
www.thesheltonfamily.blogspot.com
I've got nothing new to add but I just want to say that your turn will come. You will be a great mother and you will be matched with the perfect little girl for your family.
Kristine, what a great post (not sure hwo I lissed it!). I too am one who doesn't take the tags off of things, because sometimes it doesn't feel "real". but Hubby and I have already agreed that once Christmas passes this year we're going to start painting Gracie's room :)
thanks for sharing!
Post a Comment