We're NEXT!!!!

Referrals came out today and the CCAA has referred children to families with LID's to Feb. 28th, 2006. This means that we are NEXT, yes there is no guessing or worrying or wondering (unless they have lost our dossier, given us the wrong day etc etc) because we WILL have a picture and information about our child in the next month. Can't quite believe it.
WOOHOOOOO!!!!! The party can start today...

Thoughts...

This came in my "Daily Wisdom News" by Liisa Coffey this morning. I thought that it was appropriate for today. I then realized that it is another LIDversary when I looked at our "meter" on the front page. Hmnn, yes we are getting somewhat closer but it is easier to think of everything being far away. We are also grieving the loss of my wonderful, gentle and kind Father-in-Law and I only write that here because my Brother-in-Law said that with one life ending another should be in our arms sooner than later. I love the idea of Ivan taking care of our girl and guiding her to us. We are searching for answers for so many questions and these pearls of wisdom resonated with me today.

Searching
"What we seek we do not find - that would be too trim and tidy for so reckless and opulent a thing as life. It is something else we find."-Susan Glaspell, The Morning Is Near Us, 1939

The journey is filled with twists and turns and all kinds of surprises. That's what keeps life interesting. Whatever it is that we seek, we end up finding so much more than we ever could have anticipated. Those unexpected treasures we come across give meaning, and significance, to our experience.-Lissa Coffey

My new obsession...

Well, it isn't really all that new but I am obsessed with trying to figure out how to be a one income family. I am reading a number of financial planning books, have my list of blogs that I read regularly and have tried to work out a plan. In preparation, I bumped up our mortgage payments to the legal limit set by our lender, I bumped up our monthly RRSP contributions, I have set up an ING savings account for an "emergency fund" and we have stopped eating out (which we did about twice a week). Ok, so we have also tried to put together a budget that looks like we are only living on one income HOWEVER we do have many disagreements stemming from this process. We do have debt and our adoption savings were depleted recently when we had to attend to a family emergency. Ughhh. Any thoughts about how to do this successfully without conflict in your marriage?

100 Good Wishes Quilt and a dream...

So for posterity, I am recording here that I began sewing Isabel's quilt today. At least I think it is Isabel's. There was a surprise referral of a beautiful baby boy this month to a family in my February DTC group. They have to redo everything in the nursery etc but they are thrilled. I have 53 squares sewn together and Shawn and I were discussing the backing. Fortunately, most of our squares are not gender specific however the squares that I sent out and consequently the fabric that we are going to use for the backing is pink with butterflies and hearts. Oh well, I might have to wait until we have our referral to do the backing...
In other news, I have been feeling very low since the last referral batch because of our spot in line. It is hard to explain but I have said it so many times - the closer you get, the harder the wait seems to become. Anyway, the other night I was having trouble sleeping so I took a Ty.len.ol P.M. and had wild dreams. One dream was about our referral. We received the photos, a video and the regular information but our daughter appeared to be about 4 years old as she danced around. We were thrilled and excited and in China when we realized that this wasn't a referral for our daughter at all but a child that we were sponsoring through an agency. Talk about devastated. We turned around and went home without our child, hopes dashed. Yes, it is definitely harder the closer you get...

6 days...

It looks as though the cut off for the latest batch of referrals is Feb. 15th - they did 6 days. That leaves 13 days ahead of us and Feb. 28th is a big day. I am hoping, meditating, praying to the Gods and sending thoughts to the universe that we will have our referral in December... It is REALLY hard to be this close and yet so very very very very far away from our daughter. She is on this earth and we think of her all the time, hoping that she is receiving our love and thoughts that we send her every day. We know that Anita and Benji's little angels as well as our Grandma's are watching over her, making sure that she is safe, warm and has a full belly.
Colleen said something that really made me think yesterday. She said that it just sucks that I don't have a big belly for people to fawn over and take care of. No one gets up for me on the bus - teehee, BUT they also don't understand how difficult (I can't think of a word that will adequately describe the roller coaster of the adoption world) it is to go through this emotionally. It takes a toll. Luckily we have a strong marriage and strong friendships which have carried us through - not to mention a little wine and chocolate on the side!! I hope that in two short months, I will be posting a photo of Isabel here...

Happy Mid-Autumn Moon Festival

Hope that you are all enjoying your mooncakes!!!!!!! I am off to the grocery store to buy some- we like the nut kind!!

Wow, its been a while OR From the mouths of babes...

So, it has been a while but we have gone through two more LIDversaries and there are now ONLY 19 days of LID referral days ahead of us. Who KNOWS how long it will take to get through these days, especially since according to a number of sources, Feb. 28th, 2006 was a big day for LID's. November is my wishful thinking, December is a possibility and January - well you know where this is going. I have to say though, that seeing people in my February group receive their referrals has been an incredible "pick me up" and somewhat of a reality check!!

In other news my niece and nephew along with my Mom were out to visit from Ontario in August. I keep thinking of Emma's question "Why is Isabel in China?" Our brother-in-law does quite a bit of travelling for his business and he was in China last spring. Emma just couldn't fathom why her Daddy didn't just pick Isabel up for us and bring her home. I WISH!!!!!!!! For a child who doesn't understand how babies are created yet, this is a real dilemma!! We had some answers but I found that for an intelligent 6 year old, the stock answer "because Isabel is Chinese and that is where she was born. We must wait to get the OK to go and get her from the Chinese government because she is Chinese. We have to have the official papers to take her to Canada but right now she is living in an orphanage with nannies" wasn't enough. She wanted to know why Isabel was born there, why she couldn't stay with her Mommy and Daddy etc etc. It was a difficult discussion that kept coming up but one I believe, will be part of our lives once Isabel is home and I want to have better answers for her and her cousin...Sigh.

Now, I must dig my head out the "waiting parent" sand and start to brush up on everything that I was soooo into reading two years ago. Luckily, our library is a wonderful resource. Oh and I have to say Happy Birthday Mom!!!!!!!! It was great to chat with you today. Love you!!!

Which month is this?

Well, I haven't had a look at the blog lately so I'm not quite sure!! Too funny. Anyway, yesterday we actually went shopping for Isabel!! A good friend gave us a gift certificate for Christmas that we hadn't used yet so we decided to use it!! We bought Isabel her high chair and a few goodies for the diaper bag that we are taking to China. It has been a looooonnng time since we have purchased anything for her but it just felt right!! I put the chair together in the kitchen and it looked so right!!! I then disassembled it and put it back in the box (storage issues). Ah well.
Happy ? LIDversary to us... it really doesn't matter anymore I guess. We are counting the months ahead of us instead of those behind. Oh and I just finished the book "Eat, Pray, Love" - can you say Italy!!! I LOVED the first section - I am a pleasure seeker I guess. My favorite was the drawing with four feet on the floor, no head and a smile at the heart - how we should all strive to live!!

27 Yesterday...

Wow, the months are just rolling by... can't believe that it has been 27 months since China logged us in... I do wonder if there will be an end to the wait and if a child waits there for us... only more long months of waiting will tell.

The roses are blooming and the sun is shining...all is right in our little corner of the world. I love this time of year.

26 today...

That old British Tune "21 Today" is rolling around in my head but I have singing "26" instead. As I say every month, who would have thought...

I love the May fairy picture and the fact that it is about a baby playing with butterflies... signs perhaps.

Oh and thank you to Maryellen for my very precious new necklace and the thoughtful "Mother to Be" Mom's day card. She sent me a beautiful gift last year too and I just so appreciate that she is still thinking of those of us who wait.

Spring Fever or Something....

When my Mom and my Niece came to visit in February, they brought two huge suitcases full of clothes that my sister put together. Emma was having trouble dealing with the fact that her clothes were being given away so Mom and I quickly put them in the closet and there they have remained until today. I have had to take a few days off due to illness and although today I feel much better, I can't go back into my workplace until I am symptom free for at least 24 hours. So, today I decided to tackle the clothes. Shawn went out and found an under- the-bed storage box last night and I filled it up today!!! Now all of Isabel's clothes are organized by size and the larger sizes are tucked away, under the bed.
I am also going to sew for the first time in months this weekend. There are a number of projects piled up and I need to get at them. They range from mending to creating. So exciting!!!
I have spring fever I guess but then again, we have decided not to sell and buy a new home so I am settled now. Isabel's room and closet are being organized and although I don't expect a referral for a VERY long time, it makes me feel closer to her when I go through the clothes that she will someday wear. Oh and my sister has GREAT taste so the clothes are beautiful - thank you Katie!!!!!!

Marking the days...

26 months waiting today and that is NOT an April Fool's day joke, oops it is, it is ONLY 25 months. Silly me, just can't keep count anymore - it is over two years since LID anyway. Just marking the day...

Oh, and I am posting on the 1st even thought the date says that today is March 31st. Wierd!!!

Thank you's are in order!!

First, thanks to Sam for the cute little pick me up package. You always seem to know when I need it!!!! The dark chocolate eggs didn't last long but I love the little candles. They are in our little Easter box for next year!!! I can't wait to try the apricot tea - Yummy!!!!!!

Second, I want to thank Cyndi for the lovely gifts for our Spring Exchange in our Waiting for our First Child from China group. The outfits are adorable (lavender and butterflies no less!!) and I love the little hippo!! So sweet. The candy won't last long in this house!!!! Cyndi, I didn't realize until after your gifts were purchased, that you like fairies!! You will have to impart some of your wisdom because we keep looking for circles here!!!!

I love to do the exchanges because I love to shop for people. It really seems to pass the time. Our very close friends have just announced that they are pregnant so even though we won't be shopping for the March DTC exchange, we will be shopping for them. Sam also has a package on the way soon - just putting it together!!!!!

Thank you Marsha, Larry and Courtney!!

For well over a year now, we have been part of our March DTC Secret Pal exchange. This exchange happens every month and we have enjoyed every minute!!! I have changed from a person who was terrified of going shopping in the "baby" section of stores to a person who enjoys the shopping and chatting with other Moms!! Not to mention the building of friendships with our pals that I hope will last. It is such a personal thing to shop for a couple and their child that you cannot help but imagine them using or wearing the items you have so carefully chosen. I am sad to say that we have found that time has just not allowed us to be the kind of pals that we aspire to be and we have decided not to continue with the monthly exchanges.

Our last pals for the March DTC exchange are a wonderful family of three who are waiting for Nora to join them. Marsha has been so generous and as

you can see by the photo, she has done a wonderful job of choosing goodies for both the February (cooking) and March (rainy days) themes. She has even included a few ladybugs!!! Thank you so much for the great cookbooks, outfits, cooking toys, raincoat and boots, toys and other goodies. Your letter was very kind too!!!!! It has been a pleasure to be part of this exchange and we are going to miss it but hopefully we will have Isabel home this year to enjoy all of these wonderful gifts that she has received!!!!

Signs...

I was reading Little Maple's Mom's blog and she was discussing signs. I do believe in signs and I have been open to experiencing them for some time. So today, Shawn and I were discussing being a single income family and right at the moment I said that it would be a wonderful thing, two bubbles floated by our living room windows. They were so pretty and when we looked outside (we thought that our neighbor's daughters might have been playing in the yard), we couldn't find their origins. Hmnnn, a good sign I would say!!
This past week has been a particularly difficult week at work for a variety of reasons which include grievances against my department (read: Me, as department head), infighting and ill co-workers (read: LOTS of extra work for Kristine). Ugh. I am really finished with this career and can't wait for our daughter to come home. There are jobs popping up all around me but I don't want to start something new as my job is all about relationship building blah, blah, blah... and to only be in a new position for 8 months tops, just wouldn't bring me any job satisfaction. So, I stay put and bide my time. I digress...
Oh yes, so on the worst day of this week, I notice that one of my diamonds is missing from my wedding band:( When we took it in that evening to get it fixed, the salesperson showed us a beautiful new ring and Shawn decided that I should have it. Ahhh. Then we went on to do more shopping and my favorite perfume that we haven't been able to find was at Sears of all places (our microwave died and we were looking for a replacement) and Shawn decided that I should have that too. Soooo sweet.
Signs. Well I put a number of financial plans that we had made into action this past week and then we get the bubble signs. My work week is the worst week but the loss of a diamond in my ring allows for Shawn to spoil me with a beautiful new ring and my fav perfume. A sign that good can come out of sadness (I was REALLY upset to find that diamond missing).
Can't wait to see what this next week holds... hopefully some good signs!!!

A thought...

My friend Kathy and I were out for lunch today at JJ Noodle House and we both had the giant prawn szechuan garlic noodle soup for lunch. YUMMY!!! We were talking about a variety of things and then I said, hmmnn, hope that my girl is spicy!!! We then had a good conversation about the different provinces in China. Just wanted to record this as it was very spontaneous because lately my mind has wandered away from our adoption.
As well, we have 56 LID days in front of us now - it looks good for a fall referral but as always I will have to see it to believe it!!!
Oh and happy 2 year LIDversary to us, a little late.

Waiting...

I found this through a link and just wanted to share:

I Will Wait for You...

"I know how difficult it is for you while you wait for me, because I have been waiting, too. I have waited to be held, to be fed, to be loved. I have found comfort in those who have been caring for me, and in those I have come to call my friend.

Do not feel saddened, for this is the only life that I have known. I have adapted. I know of no other way to spend my day. I am content, because I know not of what I might be missing.

As you await the sound of my laughter, I carry on, learning every day. From friends, and caretakers. Because I am not alone, I wait my turn, learning patience and enjoying every moment that comes my way.

Some friends are no longer here, so I make new friends. We keep each other company.

The day will come when your waiting will finally be over, as will mine. When that day arrives, my friends will need to make a new friend, as I will no longer be there. I will discover a life that I never knew existed. I might seem frightened at first, but once again I will quickly adapt and realize that my waiting to be held, to be fed, to be loved is over. I will be cared for like never before. I will learn so many new things.

I will have a forever family!

Until that day, I will be content to live the only life that I have known, and to spend time with my friends. Waiting ...

I will be here for you when your waiting has finally ended. You will hear my laughter and I will feel your loving touch. And we will both be content with the new life that we will share, together ... "

Still waiting for our little:

Rest...

I can't believe that I haven't posted since Feb. 1st and then again I can!!! We have been so busy with visitors the past few weeks, it has been crazy!! Everyone is coming from the East in February it seems but it has been wonderful to see some old friends and family. Donika, Cam and their two kids were here and their 7 year old loves KIS.S - Fraser and Shawn had LOTS to talk about!!!! Oh and I had the best birthday party with lost of family, friends and chocolate. Thanks for the "great" photos V!! You are a nut!!!
My darling neice, the Divine Miss Em came from Toronto with my Mom for a week and we had a blast swimming, having afternoon tea, searching for faire circles, celebrating Chinese New year and swimming. Did I mention swimming, yes with a five year old who adores swimming and a beautiful pool down the road, we did alot of it!!! We are two peas in a pod, my neice and I. We both cried our hearts out when she left... Air Canad.a was no help. They cancelled both of their flights and made my sick Mommy wait in an airport with a sad and determined 5 year old for 4 1/2 hours, not to mention the 6 1/2 hour flight with no food!!!!! Horrible!!!! Luckily we sent lots of provisions in Em's bag and Mom's cell phone - we talked ALOT during their wait!!!
This past weekend was spent with my step-mom who flew into Vancouver last week for a conference and then tried to come over on the Island hopper (20 min flight) on Friday. She ended up 5 1/2 hours later, arriving by ferry and bus. No food vouchers for the ferry, no "so sorry". I don't think that I will ever fly Air Canad.a again. They cancelled her flight out here last week too and she almost missed her presentation at the conference - she had to do it in her running shoes and if you know Carolyn, that wasn't fun!! Horrible. BUT we had a great weekend and met up with her neice and our friend Jaqueline and her partner Claude for dinner last night. They have been out here on a holiday, enjoying our mild climate. It was great.
So, today I rest. Poor Shawn has to work but I am doing laundry, watching my BBC soaps and catching up on some reading. Back to work tomorrow!! Oh and the sun is shining, all is right with the world!!

23 months...

Who would have thought!!!!!!! So happy that we have survived this long!!!!
Have a great weekend...

9 years...

Nine years ago today, we were married in the prettiest ceremony and then had the BEST party ever!!! We had an open bar, a chef making pasta and a live jazz band. SOOOOO fun other than Shawn being sick as a dog!!! Love my sweetie-pie even more today!!!

It feels so good to...

skate, swim, play a little basketball and go for a walk. We had my girlfriend's eight year old for his "birthday" weekend and we did all of these things as well as the movie and video game thing. It felt great and although my right bicep is a little sore (he isn't the best skater so I was holding on very tight), it was super to get out and do something!!
The three of us went over to the neighborhood court at the rec centre this morning and played basketball in the freezing cold : 3 celcius!!! We taught him how to do a layup and how to throw the ball properly. So much fun!! I can't wait until Isabel is old enough to do these things with. I find that with my family and friend's kids, you can have alot of fun doing physical activities until they are around 11-12 - then its the "cool" factor kicking in.
I just wanted to record this here so that I can remember what a great weekend we had with Jaspar and how much fun it is to hang around with the kids!!!

Winter...

Well, it is cold and sunny in our little part of the world. It has been a very difficult month but the sun is shining and I always feel a little better when that happens.
I wanted to share a beautiful photo that Shawn took the other night at the beach... We had the sun setting to the West and then the Moon was rising in the East. The light is returning and it feels like Spring is around the corner. Here's hoping for good referral news in the next few weeks...

Thanks V!!!

I know that you check in here regularly so I just wanted to thank you for everything!! We had a great weekend and I was really sad when you left today :( We both love you very much (but you know that!!). Safe travels and we will see you soon!!

One week ago today...

we made a very difficult choice (in retrospect we do believe that she was ready to go, we just couldn't face it at the time). It has been a tough week but going back to work really helped. We also moved the furniture around, took out the rugs that we were never able to put down and took all of the "protective" coverings off of the furniture. I have to say that all of the calls, emails and support that we have been given through this time has really been thoughtful and kind. I also have to mention that Shawn is the most wonderful person and his martini making skills have been put into practice a few times this past week. Thank you darling. I love you.
This week was also our 22nd month of waiting since LID and the new referrals came in to Dec. 19, 2005. What can we do but wait. I have been in contact with both of our agencies and basically they told us that it wouldn't make sense to make big changes now because of where we are in line. Just to clarify, we have two agencies - one that is in town, takes care of the paperwork etc and the second, FOI who is our China facilitator. When I spoke to our social worker to do our homestudy update, she said that she had heard two years from FOI so our referral should be coming soon!! Needless to say, I enlightened her. The information that is coming through loud and clear is that no one knows what the future will hold yet they do think that we should hold tight for now. Who knows. I keep thinking of this psychic reading that I had from one of my Mom's friends when I was 10 or 11. She told me by reading my palm that I wouldn't have children. Who knows!!!!
Again, thanks for the support. We still REALLY miss our girl but each day gets a little better. Cheers, Kristine

22 months today...

Just have to mark it here for posterity. Thank you all for your kind words and phone calls. This has been the worst holiday season ever but we are getting through it. We have such wonderful family and friends who are so kind and their love has made the difference. I also have the best husband who keeps feeding me "frat" food as he calls it (yea, organic nacho chips, salsa, lovely olives, humus, red pepper humus, sushi, etc etc - I wanna join his frat!!). Shawn also makes the best martinis with olive sticks. He is such a good man and I love him with all of my heart and soul.
Happy New Year to all and we know that 2008 is the year we will be bringing our daughter to our home.